On my way from Cambodia to Bali I wasn’t sure why I was still traveling. I arrived late at night and woke up in my “bungalow” to dog fights and roosters crowing all night-not exactly what I had pictured for my final retreat. That was until I embraced being woken up and walked outside to realize I was in exactly the right place, and watched the sun rise from the beach with the enormous Agung volcano in the background.

I was in Amed, a small fishing village on the northeast coast of Bali. It was perfectly calm and away from the tourist crowds. You still see families with naked children and pigs living in thatched homes next to concrete bungalows on the beach. The people intermingle and love to just say “Hello, where are you going?”
Fishing boats:

Drying peanuts in the sun:

Beautiful fields:

This ONE village harvests sea salt. Literally you only see this along one kilometer of the beach, but it is quickly diminishing as land becomes more valuable to build guesthouses on. Everyone wants a piece of the pie, and the salt only sells for about $0.70 a kilo.

That first morning I spent a few hours staring at the ocean by myself and wrote this:

“It is only recently that I am really becoming aware of the changes that have happened during this trip. I am sitting on the beach and I know that my body is hungry; the oreos and peanut butter that I have stashed in my bag keep popping into my mind. But the hunger doesn’t control me the way it used to. Not only my bodily feelings but also my emotions are strong, but they don’t necessarily demand action. Recognizing the feeling is enough.

For another example, there was a misunderstanding with my pick-up from the airport and I ended up with two drivers: one of them I had to send home empty handed. I felt regret, guilt and empathy but it was not controlling as it may have been 6 months ago. I had made the best decision I could, and if I could make it up to them later I would. Otherwise there was no need to dwell on it or to bring more regret and negativity into the situation.

This is not a change that requires energy from me; I just respond differently than I used to.

Well, okay. When I was in the Kuala Lumpur airport for 5 hours trying to buy food and no one would take a credit card or my US dollars because they were not “new,” I got frustrated. But it was easy to pull myself back into a state of accepting the problem, smiling at the waitress instead of blaming her, receiving a smile back, and figuring out my other options.

I’m sitting here reading “The Power of Now” which has been on my reading list for a long time, recommended to me by someone I respect. Perhaps this describes what I’ve discovered:
‘As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.’

If nothing else, I have certainly given myself space this year! ”

My cousin’s friend Wendy serendipitously is also on vacation and she ended up just down the beach from me for two days! With her I didn’t get as much alone time as I expected, but that turned out to be the right thing, I think. We spent Thanksgiving together scuba diving a famous shipwreck and then shared a Balinese feast with two other Americans staying at my place. It was a special meal with yellow rice and ten dishes of delicious meats and sauces. We ate ate ate until we were properly stuffed, retired to take naps, and then walked on the beach for the sunset.

Apart from Wendy I did a sunrise hike of Mount Batur, a 1,700+ meter volcano. We hiked around the crater and it is still steaming from many places; you can boil an egg in 7 minutes for breakfast! We would have tried it except the wild monkeys got into my bag when I wasn’t looking and tore through the tupperware.

We also stopped at two temples. Pura Besakih is the “Mother Temple,” and is sprawling and foreboding, made of volcanic stone on the other side of Agung. The second was the “Bat Cave Temple,” aptly named because it enshrines a cave with thousands of fruit bats. Bali is primarily Hindu, a hold out from the rest of Indonesia which is primarily Muslim.

After Wendy left it was actually more difficult for me to focus on the books I was reading and just being calm. I think maybe after 8 months alone my time for self introspection is wrapped up. I’ve started having more deep, real conversations with random people just to get different perspectives and advice. I think it is time again to be close and use relationships to see the things I can not see on my own.

With that in mind I’m excitedly starting the 30+ hour trip to California where I will spend the next couple weeks with my cousin Ellen (who you may remember met me at the end of the Camino and traveled with me to Croatia and Turkey) and Jonathan, who has remained dear and close to me in many capacities since our time together in the Middle East. Both have been supportive constants for me through this trip and it will be the perfect way to wind down-with people who have experienced part of it with me. After that, who knows!